Recently I attended the Best New Bands of 2010 at First Ave. One thing I couldn’t help noticing was the number of drummers replaced by fucking mac laptops. Now I know laptops are lighter, easier to work with, drink less (far less), and are more reliable (far more reliable) than real drummers.  But if that’s the case, why stop there? Aren’t laptops more reliable than any musician? So why not replace the bassist, guitarist, keyboardist and singer with laptops too!

In fact, you could replace them all with one laptop! Just think of all the advantages:

• The show will take up very little space. No need for a stage! More space for people to stand, so you can sell more tickets!
• All band members would arrive at the exact same time, ready to go.
• The show will sound exactly like the mp3.
• Cleanup is a snap.

But why stop with just the band? Computers are more reliable than anyone, so let’s replace the audience with computers too! Hell, just stick a laptop on the dancefloor, point its webcam at the laptop on the stage, and the benefits grow exponentially:

• No more time wasted on getting ready for the show! The audience can enjoy the show in the comfort of their own homes wearing easy clothes!
• Less fossil fuels wasted by all those people traveling to the club!
• Drinks are much cheaper!
• No more D.U.I.’s!

I think I’ve made my point. Get a real person to play the percussion, or get off the fucking stage. At least have someone pretend to be talented and trigger the sequencer. I saw Crystal Method live, and watching two fat guys turning knobs is about the least fun I’ve ever had at at live show. It’s a tiny step above a CD listening party, but at least there’s someone making the music in front of you.

Pressing Play onstage is fine… if you’re audience is blind and deaf. Otherwise, it sucks. I go to clubs to SEE artists make music. I go to shows to HEAR an original, immediate work of art. If I wanted to push play, I’d have saved the cover charge and pushed play on my mp3 player.