New Song – God Hates Emo

I’m not entirely sure what happened. We were supposed to be practicing. It could have been the weather, or the strange mood I was in (sullen with hints of paranoia, a splash of bitter, and two splashes of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum) More likely it was the Monster Energy Drink Josh finished just before he showed up.

Either way, our “practice” of some new song crashed to a unappealing halt, and we looked at each other disparagingly.

Then it happened. Suddenly, all three of our caffeine/alcohol indices crossed at one point on the creativity chart.

“Hey,” I said to Colin, “What was that punk thing you were doing before, you remember?”

“Sure,” he nodded and Launched. Josh followed. I started screaming, and I couldn’t tell if I was making lyrics up or possessed by a sudden bout of Tourettes’ Syndrome.

Regardless, a new song was flushed out in less than half an hour: God Hates Emo.

I can tell you that it’s loud, and fast, and punk. It ends with some chuggy/chanting bit. This is the song we open the show with. It is the exclamation mark at the end of the sentence: “Jagged Spiral Declares War On Emo!”

I’m sending a copy to Chris Carrabba, in hopes that he will repent and change his ways.

I’m sending another copy to the Pope, in the hopes that he will realize the error of his ways and leave Homosexuals alone, and go after Emo Bands instead.

I’m sending another copy to Suzanne Vega because I LOVE Suzanne Vega and send her daily updates of everything I do.

I’m sending another copy to Geddy Lee, with a request that we open for RUSH on the “Snakes and Arrows” tour.

I’ll let you know how this all pans out…

Conrad Zero LogoYours Darkly,

Conrad Zero

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Generation I

I just want to point out that it is the mashup of Goth and the self-centered attitude of American Culture that brought about the fad of Emo, and an entire culture I am calling “Generation I” as in, “I-Me-My”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p95_eF3bD1w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6AbIFnJ0f8

The Poor, Poor Emo kids! They just need your attention/unconditional love/aeropostale gift certificates! I mean, they just want you to notice them and their asymetrical haircuts! They just wanna be loved! They just wanna scream to the world, “What about MEEEEEEE!”

Fucking whiners. Kill yourselves and rid us of your self-absorbed stupidity. Maybe you wouldn’t be so depressed if you quit listening to shitty music like Dashboard Confessional…

Conrad Zero LogoYours Darkly,

Conrad Zero

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Video of Police Shutting Down Jagged Spiral Jam

We’ve always said that nothing can stop Jagged Spiral, but the other day we found something that did:

The Police Department.

To facilitate some carpet cleaning, Monday’s practice was moved from the basement to the garage, and it was obvious that we would be heard, but it was just for one time, and our practice session was to be short; from 5 till 8 PM, although the noise ordinance does not require us to turn down until 10PM.

We didn’t touch a single song on Days From Evil, instead making use of the practice to do a quick run through the new song Bad Kitty and to do more creative and structural work on two new songs, which are currently called Dragonslayer and Horrorcloud. (You will have to ask Colin about where “Horrorcloud” came from, I think it has to do with Pizza Luce’s Garlic Mashed Potato Pizza and his digestive system.)

We were totally rocking, the song structure for the songs was really gelling, and the Jagged Spiral Music Train got rolling, and then…

7PM

Knock, knock.

The music stopped. It was my neighbor, an older woman who keeps a very nice lawn. I don’t know her name. Um, she’s from two houses down the block.

“Hello?”

“Hi, I just wanted to let you know we were just listening to you guys play, and I wanted to tell you, we Love your music!”

“Really?”

“Hell yeah! That band, the one that does that song ‘Iron Man’, you know the one?”

“Kind of.”

“You sound just like them!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! Anyways, we were just outside listening to you play, and had to come over and let you know we hope you will keep playing?”

“Really?”

“All summer long! That would be great!”

“Um, thanks.”

Strange. Of course, Colin and Josh heard the whole exchange, and were thrilled. New fans! Oh well, don’t let it go to your head. We picked up the reigns and started off again, the avalanche of music was building to a cresendo, nothing could stop it….

7:30PM

Knock, knock.

It was the police.

I’m not sure I would have accurately remembered the next couple minutes, being pulled from THE ZONE back into reality so quickly. Thankfully we had the videocamera running the entire time, and the police officer was kind enough to step right into the frame as though we had planned the whole thing:

Turns out the sound ordinance also has some nonsense about sounds being detectable within 50 feet. News to me. Guess I’m gonna have to look that one up.

Conrad Zero LogoYours Darkly,

Conrad Zero

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Jagged Spiral Concert Ends In Tragedy

This is what happened at our Seattle Concert last week. I told Josh to dial it back a bit, but he wouldn’t listen and unleashed the Drums of Doom:

We had a great time, and fortunately no one was hurt (Since no one was actually in the audience.) Unfortunately, we are not allowed back to Seattle and our accountant is still sorting out the damages. Our lawyers are still trying to determine whether our performance can be considered an act of terrorism.

Conrad Zero LogoYours Darkly,

Conrad Zero

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The Stick of Destiny

The Entire Jagged Spiral Crew (And 2/3 of our fans) went to First Avenue last night for the Celtic Frost / Type O Negative show. There was an opening band, but unfortunately we got there just as they ended.

After a refreshing frisk at the doorway, we proceeded upstairs where we could get our drink on. When the sound check started for Celtic Frost, we descended to the mosh pit.

I don’t know about you-all, but I learned long ago that I do not pay $22 to hide near the coat check, or hang near the womens’ restroom to oogle. I can go do that for free at Barnes and Noble in Maple Grove. The quality isn’t nearly as good, but you get what you pay for…but I digress.

Anyway, I don’t fear the mosh pit, especially not here in Minnesota. So we stood in the center of the crowd when Celtic Frost opened up, and held our ground until the end of their set.

They were Loud. They were Tight. They were ON. These guys have been playing for YEARS. Celtic Frost was popular with skaters back in the 80’s fer chrissake. They were scary. They wore face paint, and they made KISS look like a bunch of pussies. I could easily imagine any of them dismembering fans and roadies alike backstage as a warmup for the show. Especially the bass player.  [shiver]

The band finished, and the drummer threw his drumsticks into the mosh pit. One of the sticks bounced off at least three outstretched hands before rolling to at stop at the feet of…

Josh.

I’m telling you that stick went to him, like he was meant to have it.

He did not pick it up right away. He looked around first, as the room went silent, and the eyes of the entire crowd watched to see what he would do. Then as gracefully as King Arthur pulling Excalibur from the stone, Josh picked up the drumstick that had pounded a ringing into our ears for the last hour (My ears are still ringing as I write this blog post.)

I did a quick check of all the available exits, and prepared myself for impending Moshpit Hogpile of Doom sure to follow, but no one made a move. Suddenly, we were saved by the house music and the video of Seth Green’s show where he plays with dolls. Everyone’s eyes glazed over and were pulled to the pretty lights on the big video screen, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I might always regret not thinking to track down the person with the other drumstick and seeing if they would part with it or sell it…

Type-O Negative was next, and the intro to their show was quite rude. It started with extremely loud polka music (The Chicken Dance, in fact) which was REALLY loud. That lasted forever, and just when I thought I couldn’t stand any more, they lowered the music, and someone walked out on stage. The crowd started to cheer…

…and it was a fucking roadie. Then the lights came back up, and the loud polka music, now even

This was almost funny once, but they proceeded to repeat this joke several times.

[Note to self: Never EVER do this. Not Even Once. It is rude to the audience. The audience is why you are on stage. If you hate your audience that much, then simply don’t go on tour.]

Eventually, Type-O Negative actually came out on stage, and we once again held our ground at the edge of the mosh pit. A few times we got sucked into the swirling void of flailing bodies, (and I got punched in the nose by an underaged girl. I’m assuming it was an accident) There were plenty of other attractions and distractions in the moshpit, but mostly Type-O Negative was shiny, high-goth metallic.

After the show, Josh pointed out that Type-O Negative on stage sounded Exactly like Type-O Negative on their latest album, Dead Again, and there endeth the lesson.

Conrad Zero LogoYours Darkly,

Conrad Zero

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The Birth of “Bad Kitty”

Practice today went well. It was the first practice with my new bass, and I couldn’t be happier. The tone is great, and it plays like buttah. After a couple hours of fighting the Dragon, my hand would need a break, but a couple straight hours with the new bass and I couldn’t even tell. Typing is more strenous than playing this bass. It’s wonderful to have a quality piece of equipment in the studio.

We started off with Bullets and Forced Entry (Since they are in the same tuning) then moved on to Hallowed Ground. While we are getting progressively better, it seems the longer we practice in each session, the worse we get. I suggested we practice LESS often.

After practicing, we worked on a new song, which came into some semblance of a shape, with a defined verse/chorus/bridge. After roughing in the structure, we recorded a couple passes of it. Then I presented some scat vocals I had been bellowing in the car, not much more than a melody, but some lines that kept repeating in my head.

We recorded the scat melody, and then Eleven presented some lyrics he had worked up when the song existed in another key. We opened up another track (Because Tracks Are Free you know). He recorded a rough of his vox , during which he ad-libbed some verses, including the line “Bad Kitty” which really clicked.

Whether the lyrics stay or not, the combination of “Bad Kitty” and “Wicked Tongue” will seed the theme of the song, and the rest of the lyrics, and no doubt get us into significant trouble with our significant others.

I did some reverb and compression on the mix, then burned it to CD. The vocal pieces seemed to layer pretty well, and I will review our work during my daily commute. Hopefully more lyrics will rise up from the chaos…

The song really pulled together quickly, only three sessions and we have rough outline of a real song. Scary.

Conrad Zero LogoYours Darkly,

Conrad Zero

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Shanghai-ed

It was a strange weekend.

There we were; Josh, Colin and myself, all minding our own business and peacefully enjoying the scenery at BJ’s bar in Minneapolis. I had just finished my standard poison of choice, and ordered a second: Tequila, Whisky, Diet Coke, twist of orange, dash of cinnamon (I haven’t named it yet)

Next thing we knew, we were on a Russian Trawler, tied to chairs and being interrogated by a group which I think was the Siberian/Lesbianese Army. Whoever they were, they did not shave, had horrible breath and were as unintelligibly drunk as we were. (We later agreed that the food was slightly better than at BJ’s bar.)

Sunday night, we were returned. Our band manager, Sugar, gave us a quite severe lecture on safety, sobriety, international law, and the Geneva Convention. She showed us a letter which seems to suggest that since our manager wasn’t responding to the ransom notes, our captors decided to return us. We couldn’t figure out which one of us was “the loud one” although I probably snore the loudest of us three, especially after drinking.

I’m sure there is a moral to this story, but I’ll be damned if I know what it is. Probably “Don’t mix Tequila with Whisky unless you know what you are doing.” Hell we’re professionals, and we still got Shanghai-ed.

Conrad Zero LogoYours Darkly,

Conrad Zero

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